For couples

The 36 Questions That Lead to Love

In 1997, psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron ran a study that became famous: two strangers asked each other 36 increasingly personal questions, then sat in silence looking into each other's eyes. They felt dramatically closer — and one pair later married.

The questions aren't magic. They work because closeness is built through gradual, mutual self-disclosure — you open up a little, your partner opens up a little, and it slowly escalates. That's why the order matters, and why they're not just for strangers: long-term couples use the 36 questions to reconnect and ask the things they never got around to.

Here's the full list, in the three sets Aron designed. Take turns, answer in order, and don't skip ahead.

Set I

Warming up.

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you could live to 90 and keep either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

Getting real.

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about how you're living now? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Take turns sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner — five things in total.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most people's?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

Going deep.

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
  3. If you were going to become close friends with your partner, what would be important for them to know?
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them — be honest, saying things you might not say to someone you'd just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no chance to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not telling someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
  10. Your house, with everything you own, catches fire. After saving loved ones and pets, you can save one last item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Then ask them to reflect back how you seem to be feeling about it.

How to do the 36 questions

Take turns answering each one — both of you answer before moving on. Go in order; the sets are designed to build, and skipping ahead skips the point. Set aside 45 minutes to an hour, put your phones away, and don't rush the quiet moments.

When you finish, try the part most people forget: four minutes of eye contact, no talking. It's awkward for about thirty seconds, then it isn't.

Loved that? Do more than talk.

iLovu turns “we should do something sometime” into your next real date — swipe date ideas together, match on what you both love, and go. The 36 Questions are built in, too.

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Frequently asked

Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?

They don't cast a spell, but the psychology is real. The questions build closeness through gradual, mutual self-disclosure — you share a little, your partner shares a little, and it escalates. In Aron's original study, strangers who did them felt significantly closer, and one pair later married.

How long do they take?

About 45 minutes to an hour. Take turns, answer in order, and don't rush — the later questions only land once the earlier ones have warmed you up.

Can couples do them, or is it just for strangers?

Both. The study used strangers, but long-term couples use the 36 questions to reconnect and discover things they never thought to ask.

What's the four minutes of eye contact?

After the questions, Aron's participants looked into each other's eyes without speaking for four minutes. It feels awkward at first, then surprisingly intimate — an optional but powerful way to end.